I’m deep diving into each song on Sunburned for folks who want to know more about my personal creative process. I approach this series like a stream of consciousness journal entry. Everything I share is connected to the song, though it’s not always linear or buttoned up. Enjoy!
The shadow contains a good deal of energy, and it is the cornerstone of our vitality…William Blake spoke about the need to reconcile these two parts of the self (ego and shadow). He said we should go to heaven for form and to hell for energy — and marry the two. When we can face our inner heaven and our inner hell, this is the highest form of creativity. - Robert A Johnson, ‘Owning Your Own Shadow’
For 10 years now I’ve been drawn to the dichotomies of light and dark, mystery and clarity, intuition and intellect, masculine and feminine, pain and pleasure, introversion and extroversion, etc. The list is endless, as life is full of polarities to bridge. Heaven Bends is a song that lives in the tension of opposites.
In my early 20s, I fell in love with Apophatic theology and medieval mysticism. Also known as “the way of unknowing,” apophatic theology takes the view that the Divine is a transcendant force, beyond form and concept. Major examples of this are the classic mystical text The Cloud Of Unknowing, as well as St Teresa’s Interior Castle, and Dark Night of the Soul by John of the Cross, to name a few. Silent meditation was my gateway into this other way of communing with the Divine.
Additionally, I’ve always been fascinated by states of consciousness (chemically induced or not). I was 17 when I ate my first bag of psilocybin mushrooms with a friend. After some initial nausea, it was a beautiful experience, seeing trees breathe under a full moon while listening to the Doors. No hero’s journey, just a few mind-expanding hours that revealed what need to be revealed.
I’ve grown in my understanding and reverence towards psychedelics. I don’t approach them lightly and I’m an infrequent though occasional pyschonaut. They’ve taught me a lot and I believe they have a lot to offer humanity in our collective evolution.
The first time I saw a group of friends during the pandemic was in July of 2020. We got together for a birthday party at a farm just outside of town (and the barn was burning bright). Summer air and it felt good to see friends again. At the party, we had dinner, then some folks ate home-made weed brownies. I abstained and was just chillin.
A close friend of mine had never ingested a large amount of cannabis, and about 45 minutes in, there was a little unease and discomfort. The group energy shifted and we hit the dance floor (dance it off, maybe I can dance it off, maybe I can try to moonwalk myself back to earth.)
So we walk down to the barn through the light rain (it was raining, and I was sunburned). We put on some tunes, and everybody is grooving to my friend John Bickel’s new album. Then within a few minutes, my friend’s edible experience takes a dark turn and she cries out as if falling through a never-ending black pit (screamed so loud the whole town heard). A full fledged panic attic is ripping down the barn doors, and tears are coming down her face, then another deeply cathartic wail of pain, and I’m pulsing with helpless adrenaline as I hold her.
Ten minutes passed and everything calmed down. Turns out the brownies were insanely potent (100-150 mg / serving) and everyone was having a good old fashioned religious experience. She shared with me that a very deep intergenerational pain needed to be seen before it could be fully released, and it was the presence of others witnessing this grief that was most needed. Very powerful.
And so Heaven Bends came out of that night and the feeling that transformation always includes pain.
Tim Bruns is the co-writer and deserver of loads of credit for the creation of Heaven Bends. He wrote the looped synth line and had a cool drum track going that gave the verses their feel. Jake and I went to Tim’s house on a rainy November morning in 2020. We chopped it up and I did some rough scratch vocal takes over the chorus, and Tim said to me “it sounded like you said Heaven Bends….that's got a cool ring to it.”
I finished the lyrics a few months later. Here’s a live demo we cut at Jake’s studio in Old Hickory TN in early 2021.
For the final version, we wanted to break the song in half and unfold it more. What if the first half felt like a dance tune (kinda like the birthday party), and the second half was more grungy chaotic? I like how percussive the acoustic guitars turned out on the chorus (video below). For the second half of the song, we went out for tacos and a few shots of tequila and just let it rip. “Birthday panic attack, with friends that forgive and forget...”
I didn’t have a panic attack that night, but I know exactly what it’s like to have a part of me die, and to still find the light in the darkness.
You can listen to Heaven Bends, and all of Sunburned, here.
Hold my mind
Hold it in your arms tonight
Hold it til the bleeding dries
Enough that I can weep
Tie me down
Push my feet against the ground
Push your hand against my mouth
Enough that I can breathe
Let me down
Let me out
Holy rollercoaster
Up and down
Freakin out
Is anybody sober
Wish that I could make it stop
Haven't my eyes seen enough?
Heaven bends
Beyond the light of day
Resurrect
My spirit from my pain
Dance it off
Maybe I can dance it off
Maybe I can try to moonwalk myself back to earth
Eyes on me
Try not to make a scene
Because it feels like I’m fighting
With every surviving
Broken part of me
(almost home just keep on ridin’
Rocky road but the moon is shining
PPS everything is alright
Deep deep breathe it was just a bad night)
Heaven bends
Beyond the light of day
Resurrect
My spirit from my pain
Birthday, panic attack
With friends that forgive and forget
Screamed so loud, the whole town heard
It was raining, and I was sunburned
And the barn was burning bright
There was nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide
And I’ve broken down before
But this time
Something in me died
Yeah, something in me died
Yeah something in me died
Something died
Heaven bends
Beyond the light of day
Resurrect
My spirit from my pain
LOVE this version of Heaven Bends and the whole back story. 💥⚡🚀
Great song on a great record! Thanks for sharing the backstories behind the tracks!